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IAN BLAKE: Listen...

McFamine

(sing it yourselves!)
I don't do words much, except when sufficiently annoyed: there has been a spate of rather unkind portrayals of fast food companies recently, and I thought it only fair to point out that some of them are actually taking notice of public concern over the product that they offer. Here are some thoughts about a company which is doing sterling work to reduce our wobbly overhanging bits and Infra-Size™ the lot of us.

For readers outside Australia: serrated tussock grass is an intriguing, stock-slimming pasture weed that takes more energy to digest than is provided by the plant. Twofold Bay on the South coast of New South Wales has a fine woodchip mill which sends the untidy bits of the local forests overseas to be made into paper, thus giving Australians more leisure time and helping the Japanese preserve their splendid woodlands.
I did send a copy of the words to the ABC's Phillip Adams, who seems to have a curious reputation as a bit of a 'leftie', but he was remarkably receptive to these ideas. I'm tempted to write more 'corporate inspirational' material: it's gratifying to believe that one can make a difference.

No audio for this - you'll have to sing it yourselves to the tune of The Yellow Rose of Texas (for the sake of some assonantal antics which become apparent in the last line) preferably ascending by a semitone every other verse for added fervour. It works as well to the tune of Ghost Riders in the Sky, but you'll have to make up your own chorus.

Come to think of it, it also goes beautifully to the tune of that Val Doonican favourite The Jarvey was a Leprechaun. Now, if you sing Ghost Riders... to The Jarvey...

But I digress:


McFAMINE™

As I wandered round the corner on a bright and sunny day,
A tempting smell of seething fat came wafting round my way.
So I rocked up to McRonalds™ at the red and yellow arch,
Looking forward to a feed of flesh and sugar, grease and starch.

I walked into their outlet and I went to join the queue.
They said 'Hang on - our usual stuff's too nourishing for you.
You're looking overweight: we like to look out for your health
So here's a new McGimmick you can try out for yourself.

It's new - it's called McFamine™ - we'd like to give you one'
- It looked like ceiling tiles inside a tempting sesame bun.
They said 'Our research tells us this is going to be the best:
It takes out more than it puts in - it cannot be digest-
ed.'

Nutrition's overrated - there's far too much about.
McResearch and Development has phased the nutrients out
And come up with McFamine Body Contour Control™
The concept's called A-Ttrition™- 'sylphlike slimness in a roll'

McFamine™ is the latest for the mass McChallenged class -
It's served up with a salad of serrated tussock grass.
We make it out of woodchips brought from sunny Twofold Bay -
We'll sell you loads of cellulose for breakfast every day.

Our business is McBooming, we're McFlourishing worldwide
It's proof of our McRighteousness: McGod™ is on our side.
McAnorexic kids all think McFamine's truly hip,
So we've made the other fastfoods of the McApocalypse™

McWar™ is coming soon to a McTheatre near you,
McPestilence™ is catching on, it'll soon be passing through.
We're clearing out that unproductive forest in the south
To bring you all McDeath™, made out of lifeless bits of cowth.

I gagged a bit but swallowed my McFamine™ out of pride...
They told me if I ate enough, I'd turn blond and blue-eyed,
But I toss and turn at night before that lucid dream of hell:
The callow rows of breakfasting McRonalds™ clientele.

Have a nice day, now...




By the way, did you know you could also sing anything by Emily Dickinson to the same tune? Try it out on:

'Because I could not stop for Death —
He kindly stopped for me' etc.